Deep Dark Secrets

There has been so much talk about abortion lately. So many people are quick to exert their opinion and to ask questions like, who would ever, how could somebody choose, or why in the world?

This post is only for people who have or have had a deep dark secret, have skeletons in their closet, or have had an abortion. If you’re not one of those people then this is not for you.

If you have a deep, dark secret (like having an abortion, perhaps) I bet you’ve kept it a secret for a reason.

Shame. Guilt. Don’t want to deal with the judgement of people finding out…

Here’s what I have to say about that:

The ONLY opinion of you that matters is from God. And He knows about the deepest, darkest places of your soul. And He loves you more than you could ever dream of being loved.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to [the brim] of all the fullness of God,”
Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV), words in [ ] are mine.

God forgives all of the darkest places when we come to Him and ask. That’s all it takes. Asking.

And if you’ve found yourself in a deep, dark hole because of your shame or guilt I want to encourage you. There is ALWAYS a way out. There is ALWAYS hope. There is ALWAYS love. Even down there in the deepest, darkest pit. Find a pinhole of light and begin moving toward it. Even if it feels like it’s a million miles away. And even if it feels as if you have to cross the entire world to get to it. Take one step toward the light today. And if that’s all you can do today, great! You can take another step towards the light tomorrow. Before long, the light will seem so bright you will wonder how you traveled so quickly!

I hear some of you saying, “Carrie! How do YOU know what it feels like to be judged because of what you’ve done or not done or what’s been done to you?”

Well, because I have lived this truth. See, I am one of those that has had an abortion. I let my decision pull me down into the deepest, darkest pit I couldn’t even imagine. And I didn’t tell a soul. For 10 years I let this dark pit grow until it consumed me.  And I wanted to die.  

I’ve lived with the shame and regret and guilt of my decision for almost 20 years now. And what I’ve learned is that forgiving yourself is the hardest part. And I’ve also learned it’s so worth the decision.

I now live in freedom from my past. It no longer holds me in bondage. All because of the love and forgiveness of God.  And God has asked me to encourage women with my story. So, I boldly (only with God’s help) step out and tell you my deepest, darkest secret.

If you’re out there hiding in the darkness because of fear I encourage you to reach to God. Ask Him to help you walk towards His healing, loving, peaceful light. And if you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to listen as well.

There is always a way out.  There is always hope.  There is always love.

Suicide

“How can somebody be so selfish?”

“What in the world were they thinking?”

“Why would somebody do that?!?!”

“When does life get that bad, really?”

 

These are all questions and comments I’ve heard over the past week, or really anytime anyone in the public’s eye dies from suicide.

Let me ask you – Have you ever been in a place in life where there seemed no way out?  Have you ever contemplated suicide?  Has life gotten so bad that you didn’t want to live anymore?

My answer to all those questions is YES.  I have been in a place where there seemed no way out, I have contemplated suicide, and I didn’t want to live anymore.

And I got help.

 

See, I was suffering from a mental illness – depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  And if you’ve never suffered with a mental illness before you might not understand why someone would take their own life.  But I do understand.  I don’t think it’s right and the best way out, but I do understand.

The way out is tough work.  It’s very hard, strenuous on all areas of life, and often requires major adjustments in work, relationships, and the way you do life.  And if you don’t have guidance from a professional this hard work seems impossible.

I had gotten to a place where life off the couch was so intimidating.  I couldn’t deal with the emotions and thoughts in my own head, much less trying to deal with someone else’s thoughts and opinions too.  I developed severe social anxiety (which I still battle to this day).  I also had daily anxiety attacks and multiple panic attacks.  My brain was totally freaking out.  And I was so afraid to unload the dishwasher or cook because that would require me to touch a knife.  And all I wanted to do was take that knife right across my wrists to relieve the pressure of the physical and emotional pain I was in.

With the help of my amazingly talented counselor, Sybil, I was able to slowly come out of the deep dark hole I was in and able to function in life again.  But this took time.  A lot of time.  Effort, tears, and HARD, HARD work.  About 10 years worth.  And, I did it.  But not by myself.

So, I say to you:  Don’t judge what you haven’t known.  Until you wear those shoes you have no idea.  And you never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors.

AND I also say to you:  If you are in a place where there seems to be no way out please get help!   Call this number now:  1-800-273-8255

or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

There is always a way out.  Talk to someone you know and trust, or get help from a professional.  You are loved.  You are not alone.  You can do this.

 

Hebrews 12:1

“Therefore, since we have been surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off every weight and the sin that so easily entangles us.  And let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”